Mum life at an all time low
Being a new mum, there are some days where you're in a good routine and you just cruise along, but there are other days, where you're so tired that you're struggling to do anything but occupy your child and you can barely function. Yesterday was one of those "struggle" days and to be honest it was probably one of the worst days I've had since being a new mum.
It started around 3am when I woke up to Cameron for the third time in the night. Just after his feed, I was feeling a little light headed, nauseous and had a sore stomach. I lay back down to try and get some sleep and managed an hour before Cameron was up again at 4:50am. I could barely keep my eyes open, but he managed to take a full feed both sides and went back to bed till the next time at 6:40am where he just wanted a comfort suck. My head was hurting and I didn't want to move, but poor hubby (Josh) had worked till 4am so he needed the sleep just as bad as I did. I let him cry for five minutes but gave in to the comfort suck, so he wouldn't wake Josh up. He was back in his cot after the three minutes and I dragged myself back to bed for another two hours sleep.
8:45am came and Cameron was wide awake, ready for a feed and ready to play. I on the other hand was ready to sleep the whole day, and did not want to move. My body ached, my head was throbbing and I was getting the chills. I had a feeling I might have eaten something the previous night that made my whole body upset and perhaps it was the start of gastro, but luckily I hadn't had any vomiting or diarrhoea. So I dragged myself out of bed to feed Cameron, changed his nappy and plonked him on his mat under the mobile of toys, while I lay next to him on the floor with one eye open. I must have fallen asleep for a brief period because I ended up waking to Cameron crying. Another top up feed and he napped for an hour, which also meant I could get an extra hour of sleep in.
When Cameron woke at 10:45am I still felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I had been drinking water consistently to prevent any dehydration, and in the hopes that it would help my breastmilk supply. At this time Josh was up and made me a much needed coffee, which did perk me up a little after Cameron's feed, but I ended up laying on the couch (still in my pjs and bathrobe) shortly after and felt miserable. Luckily Josh was playing with Cameron and could occupy him during his awake time because there was no way I wasn't moving from the couch. I had no appetite but knew I needed to eat or it would affect my milk supply and therefore would affect Cameron. But by Cameron's next feed he needed the bottle top up because he was unhappy. After some much needed hydralite and a bowl of oats I forced down, I gathered some energy and put on a brave face when family came to visit. However, as soon as they left I lay next to Cameron on his play mat and broke into tears.
I felt like a bad mother. A bad mother for not being able to provide enough of my own milk for my baby. A bad mother for not being able to comfort my baby. And a bad mother for not being able to attend to my baby when he needed me. I was putting so much pressure on myself that it all came out in tears, and even though I was sick, I just felt like I should have done more. Josh sent me to bed with a couple of paracetamols to have a late afternoon nap while Cameron was napping, and when I woke from that I felt a little better. We took Cameron and the dogs for a very slow stroll outside, which I struggled but the fresh air helped. I ended up in bed at 8pm, and although Cameron woke up another four times last night, I had somewhat felt more alive and refreshed this morning. I ended up seeing the GP just to make sure everything was ok, and she said it was probably a 24hr stomach bug or virus. To be honest I'm just glad that I'm feeling somewhat normal, that my appetite is back and that I'm able to feed, change and play with Cameron without feeling like utter crap. Let's hope it doesn't happen again for awhile, because being sick is one thing, but being sick and caring for a child is a whole other level.